Last week, I became ill and had to take a day off work. Then, near the end of last week, I had a lapse near the end of my last shift. I felt tired and unwell. I was in no way rude or unpleasant. I didn’t use a negative tone; I just used a negative word to describe behavior, like ‘mean’ or ‘nasty’, rather than saying ‘not nice’. In a nursery environment, word choice is considered important.
No one said anything to me, despite hearing me say it clearly. As soon as it left my mouth, I realised that I shouldn’t have used a negative word. I quickly made it positive again and told the other staff about my struggles in terms of when to be harsher, with the current fear of children walking all over me.
Anyway, I was in a low mood at the time for no reason I can even think of. But, once that happened, my Anxiety came into play. It made me re-think the moment over and over. Knowing I’m in my probation period, I keep fearing I’ll lose my job. I know it’s unlikely but I missed one day due to sickness and dragged myself in on the Friday to say one thing which actually wasn’t that bad, but I can’t stop worrying about.
I like the environment. I like the people. Yet, I’m not a huge fan of the toddler age group. I like the babies and pre-school age but toddlers are by far the hardest age group I’ve worked with in terms of expectations and I’ve worked with teenagers.
I’ve also been trained on nappies but nobody has told me whether I have been signed off! So I’ll have to ask on my next shift. I feel like I have been given a great opportunity, which I’m very grateful of, but I haven’t been given the training or structured support required.
I did online training about child development but all it did was tell me how a child develops, not how to support that development. So, all these techniques, I’m picking up as I go along by essentially making mistakes. I don’t like learning by my mistakes in an environment where they can have an effect. Plus, I then worry about them just not giving me hours because of my mistakes.
All this Anxiety has then made it so I start questioning everything, like my September course and my capabilities in the future. It’s like a spiral and now I’m sat here trying to rationalise it all and tell myself that I’m doing great and even if they do give me less hours then I’ll just begin looking for a different job because it’s not the end of the world.
*EDIT: Just after I posted this, my work got in touch with me, asking if I can do an extra shift this week. This has sort of put me at ease thankfully! But, I’m still trying to get my head around it all and push for more learning opportunities.